Seeking God Day 14
I love to buy beautiful journals for myself and for other people. Leather bound, fancy covers, covers with cute sayings, spiral bound, book bound, big or little it doesn’t matter, they are all wonderful to me. I probably own 30. Some of them have only a few pages filled, a small few are written in cover to cover. I don’t often go back and read what I’ve written, many times it’s too painful. It seems that the times those pages call to me the most is when my heart is trying to process something it doesn’t understand. Before I die, I need to redact many of them because even though the words I’ve written are in black and white many of them aren’t truth they are feelings. Those two are not synonymous.
Two years ago in October I started a new journal with a new purpose in mind. Here is what I wrote on my opening page.
My life seems to be made up of a thousand beginnings and very few ends. I’m not sure if that means I’m just terrible at finishing or if that is just the way life is? I often feel as if I’m constantly chasing the sunrise only to experience the sunset is still so far away. Chasing is dangerous because I often miss the here and now and I miss the fact that what I’m doing with my life does have meaning. I also think chasing the sunrise keeps me from never accomplishing what I’m working on. Running after what I don’t have blinds me to the road already traveled as good and worthy and significant.
This is why this journal will be so important. Here I will record the dreams and the realities, the things yet to come and the things that have already been gifted to me. This is my atlas, my trip plan. This is my attempt at intentionally dreaming, recording and being grateful for what God has given me. This is where I will be able to see that week #1 is different than week #10.
This two year old journal isn’t full, it’s hardly started. I’ve only filled 26 pages. But to go back and read it…I’m amazed at what God has done in my life! If we want to seek God, we need to remember where we’ve looked for Him.
When I started this journal, I found some pictures on the internet that represented some ridiculous dreams that were hidden in my heart. I printed those pictures out and glued them onto the page where they would be stuck forever.
Squeezing my Elmer’s glue bottle and watching the white liquid drip onto the paper seemed so permanent. I remember holding my breath as I turned that paper over and smeared out all of the air bubbles and pressed it into my journal. This was one of the lowest times in my life and I was entrusting the dreams of my heart to God and recording this trust in these pages. I remember crying because I felt as if I had nothing to lose and yet I had everything to lose all at the same time. Gain was the furthest thing from my mind. This wasn’t an act of trying to gain something but rather it was my attempt at trying to take up some space in a world that seemed to be passing me by.
I wrote this verse on the first page:
Show me your ways
Teach me your paths
Guide me in your truth
and teach me.
For you are my God, my Savior
and my hope is in you all day long.
Today as I looked at the dreams I had entrusted to God I was amazed! I just can’t explain how overwhelmingly surprised I was to see that God had not only seen and heard my dreams but that He had improved on them. These “ridiculous” attempts at taking up space in this world weren’t crazy at all. In fact, it was as if God had been showing me how He already saw me and through these last few years I have been starting to believe Him.
I wish I had the words, my dear friends, to implore you to entrust God with your heart and to write down the things you’ve entrusted to Him. Perspective changes how your perceive reality. When you are too close, it may feel like He isn’t there. Look for the Truth…write down what you are looking for and don’t forget check your atlas once in awhile…you may be amazed at how far you’ve come.
Click here to spend a few moments with God and let your soul sing how great thou art.