My life for the last few months or years has not been what I imagined, dreamed about or hoped for… Life has been hard. Life has been unfair. Life has been stupid. Life has been no fun. This was NOT what I had signed up for, just sayin. And I’ve been mad. Mad at the world, mad at the decision makers, mad at the people I love, mad at God. Just mad and angry and pissed off.
Struggling & Slugging, Crying & Cringing.
Pouting. Arguing and Yelling really loudly!
THIS IS NOT FAIR!
In the midst of this pity party, I’ve been looking for God…because I had a few things to tell him about how poorly he has been running this show, my life.
The funny thing about God is he promises, “Seek me and I will be found” Jeremiah 29:13 Jesus said it again in the New Testament, “Ask and it will be given to you, seek and you will find, knock and the door will be opened.” Matthew 7:7
Believe me I have been knocking! HARD!
For a long time I’ve been living my life like a unhappy customer, stomping my foot, sighing loudly, looking around to be sure everyone knew I was mad…waiting to talk to the manager and give him a piece of my mind. Oh, and when he heard all of my substantial and very real grievances and really understood the situation then he would offer to fix everything, put it back the way it was…I’ve been certain of it.
I can hardly stand myself.
This has been going on for quite some time now…me being upset, unhappy and crabby…feeling impatient for my circumstances to change. At first glance, my circumstances haven’t changed at all…in fact, they’ve seemed to have gotten worse. But upon closer inspection things have been changing, just not the “things” I would have chosen. Upon closer inspection, quite a bit is changing actually.
For one, God has provided, and often miraculously…I’ve seen it with my own eyes. There have been times when the math of our finances doesn’t add up or I’ve seen a week’s worth of groceries last an entire month. There is no reasonable explanation for it. The only answer is God the Father has provided for us in the most amazing way.
The road our life has taken has forced me to take second job. This was not my plan. This was not my design. However, I’ve been blessed and surprised beyond my wildest dreams through this undesired plan. God has placed in my life the most amazing, generous, loving and hard working people and we never would have crossed paths if the road of my life hadn’t taken me there. I’ve also learned that I can worship just as well chopping fruit(my current new position) as I can leading worship on stage, sometimes better. This is not a lesson I would have chosen, but something I’m glad I’ve learned. I’ll never be the same again.
My pride has taken a hit, I’ve learned that no job is “beneath me.” I’m ashamed that this is a lesson I needed to be taught, but I am glad that I’ve been given the opportunity to learn. I was so impressed with myself and my abilities and my position, if you would have asked me if I was “all that” I would of course have said no, but my heart was blackened with pride. The phrase, “I will do as the Lord commands” rings in my ears right now…what if he commands something I don’t want and don’t like, what then? Will you still obey? Who sits on the throne? Me or God? Will I humble myself…will I swallow my pride…will I still lift up my hands in worship? These are hard questions…
There is something that happens when you are completely dependent on God that makes you realize how completely dependent on God you have always been. That is another lesson on pride. Everything I have is from above. He gives and takes away. If I think I have any control over this I am simply and terribly mistaken.
I feel stuck. Stuck in the circumstances that are our life right now. Nothing is changing fast enough. If it were up to me, I’d have fixed this mess the minute I was aware of it but it’s not up to me. And the more I live with the mess, the more I realize that God has a plan. I don’t know what it is, I’m know it’s not easy and I’m actually quite exhausted by it. This plan, this difficult winding road has been changing me though. Honestly, I’m still afraid sometimes but not always anymore. Anxiety still can paralyze me for a moment but not for days anymore. I have no idea what the future holds but I’m not consumed by that any longer. There is a freedom in this being stuck…I’m slowly learning. Learning to trust. I hope.
If you’re stuck too…seek God. I can promise you He will be found. Ask, He will answer. It might not be what you want…it might be what you need.
I’ll go where ever the road takes me. What choice do I have? I can go in fear or I can go learning to look for God. Either way, it doesn’t change the fact that he is always with me…just, do I choose to see him or not.
There is an odd freedom in being stuck…
That’s so strange, isn’t it?
~Your friend, Christine